When you get older you lose loved ones. They die off throughout your life. My parents were older when they had me, around 40, and they died when I was in my 50s. My dad lived to 94, about 3 months shy of 95, and my mom died 10 days before her 92nd birthday. Both lived relatively long and good lives. (I expect to live longer, as we all do.)

The thing is, they died in different ways. My dad was pretty healthy until about 2 years before his death, then he had heart issues. He went to the hospital one final time and then we decided to bring in Hospice for his final days at home. One of the best decisions I feel we made. Hospice was great, dad died at home as he wanted, and we all felt peace.

Mom was a different story. She had dementia for the last several years of her life. Unfortunately we could no longer care for her at home and had to put her in a home. At this point we trusted the doctors to take care of her. One of the first things they did was load her up on medication. My sister stayed on top of this and when she questioned it, they had no answer except to make her more comfortable. The bill for the medicine was high so my sister walked through each item and realized they were over prescribing most of it. When we  got it back to a manageable amount, she was at least coherent when we would see her. She was in the home for 5 years before she passed. Her last 2 years got worse and worse, she fell, had strokes, and her health declined as the dementia made her mentally gone. She was a shell of a body, confused and lost.

It was sad, but when she passed, we felt better because she was no longer suffering nor lost. Somewhat like dad but 5 years longer.

As I look back, I am sad that mom had to suffer, took too many pills, and had a horrible quality of life. That is par for the course with dementia. 

However, I have seen a lot of other people in my life die as well. Many cling to life, take all the pills their doctors recommend, and try to extend life as long as they can even if the quality of life is crap.

Then, I read a paper called, “How Doctors Die” by Ken Murray. It was written back in 2011. It was an eye opener because he called out doctors who have dealt with this for patients, treating themselves and their families quite differently. They opt for less medicine, less treatments, and prefer to enjoy the last days of their lives.

Let me clarify, they normally refuse chemo when they have certain types of cancer, they take much less medicine, and they spend more time with their families and less time with other doctors and in hospitals. They prefer a quality of life to be high in their last days rather than suffering, I am assuming because in the end, the result is the same. They will die. 

My brother-in-law passed away from cancer. Before that he had a mild heart attack. For his heart, he took medicine and changed his lifestyle. Meaning that he exercised, ate better foods, cut out table salt, and improved his quality of life. He lived fine after that, for years until he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Then he went through so many rounds of chemo. He appeared to be improving, but they recommended more chemo. His cancer kept coming back and eventually his other organs began failing from all the chemo.

He was 71 when he passed away, at home with my sister. 

His last several years he was in rough shape, often too weak to walk or do anything other than watch TV. Going to the bathroom was a struggle. Getting him to chemo treatment was a challenge. Poor guy. My poor sister had to take care of him for all those years. When he passed, we knew his suffering was over. 

I often get upset because doctors face this with patients and tell them to do something that they would not do. That doesn’t seem right to me. They opt out of all the treatments, medicines, and other ways to extend life but it lowers the quality and prolongs the suffering. In other words, they personally don’t want to suffer any longer than they have to, but for the patients it’s OK. They want to treat them for as long as they can. Could this be a financial decision? The system usually doesn’t think so because many think doing nothing is a death sentence even if the last days of your life are horrible. They want to extend your time on earth even if the suffering and quality are prolonged as well. The quality of life is shit in many cases.

Maybe doctors have figured out that quality of life is more important than the length of life. Maybe they just know to spend their last days wisely, suffering a little less but being with their loved ones.

As a family member, you always think that holding on to them for a little longer is a good decision, regardless of the horrible state they may be in. 

I will tell you this, seeing a loved one in pain, shock, and fear rips your heart out. It is hard to make a logical decision when it’s so emotional. When that time comes, all you want to do is keep them alive longer. If only we could be rational and think about the quality of life. But we can’t.

I see people prolong the lives of their pets only to have them suffer longer. Is that the right thing to do? I don’t think so, I think it’s selfish, however, I grew up on a farm, so my mentality is to put them down so they don’t suffer. 

Easy for an animal, but what about people? Why do we let them suffer? 

I’ll tell you why, we don’t want to lose them, no matter what the cost. It’s very hard to lose loved ones, yet, it’s part of life.

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